The End of January Ramblings...

This month for me has been unsettling and full of anxiety.  I guess part of me is still recovering from the shock that we got at Carla's two year biopsy.  When you go into a procedure thinking everything is great and then the doctors tell you that everything is not great it can be a shocker.  I'm not sure why I let myself get so optimistic. Carla's heart has not been damaged, but her having been diagnosed with the coronary disease was certainly upsetting.  It can definitely be managed, it just means more appointments and more meds.  But, the lurking possibility that it could lead to damaging her new perfect heart and eventually lead to her needing another transplant is what really made my head spin. I guess I was in too fragile of a mindset to hear those words... the world started spinning and all I could think was... I can't do this again...

So, after that shocker in December, Carla starting school again and then getting really sick right off the bat was not helpful to my state of mind.  She has had three blood draws this month, and will have another next Friday.  Then, we will be off to Seattle again on February 17th and back to Missoula on the 16th of March.  Monthly cardiologist visits is a lot. I wish that we just lived in Seattle. Today we will go to the pediatrician's office so that Carla can have a chest x-ray. I told Children's that her oxygen levels have been lower while she sleeps, so they want to get an x-ray to make sure there isn't a quiet lurking pneumonia.  I'm sure she doesn't have pneumonia, but we have to jump through their hoops so that they can figure out what the problem is. I personally think that she just needs an iron supplement, but they won't do that until they do labs on her iron next Friday. The whole system is frustrating, and I guess me not having any control over any of it is a big part of the problem. I like having control. I actually think that part of my journey through all of this is to learn that I actually have no control and to somehow be alright with that.

Tomorrow is the final day of this month, which means that tomorrow will be the anniversary of  my Mom's death. Twenty-seven years ago, I was a twelve year old girl  who lost the most important person in my life.  I miss my Mom so much and will always wonder what my life would have been like had she lived. The world was such a better place with my Mom in it. She was something special, and not just because she was my Mom. She had a way about her that made people feel important and loved.  Her smile would light up the room and her laughter was contagious. As a child I couldn't help but to think she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. And I felt so incredibly lucky that she was mine.

So, here's to my MOM...
One of my favorite pictures - she was probably around 19, but I can't be sure.                                             
Here she is, being her usual silly self. 

This was a picture was taken when I was 12. 

So now I say, good riddance January, I wash my hands of you!  Here's to a fabulous February!!!

Love, Jen

No comments: