So many thoughts...

The month of January is always difficult for me.  My Mom died on January 31, 1988, and every year January is a countdown to that final anniversary day.  Tomorrow we will have lived for 26 years without my Mom.  I was 12 when she died and she was only 37.  I have now outlived her by over a year, and have lived without her for more than half of my life.  But, I still miss her so much. She was such a terrific Mother and we were blessed to have her.  My heart aches for her, I miss her touch, her smile, her laugh, her support, her everything.  I feel so incredibly robbed to have had her taken from me at such a young age.  But I also know that losing her has made me who I am today, and brought me so much strength.  So much strength I wish I never had to know.

I received a  phone call last night from my Dad.  My 20 year old cousin, Ben, had been in an accident and died.  Also taken alongside him was his fiance's Mother.  Ben and his fiance just had a baby girl 11 days prior.  My heart is breaking for my Aunt and Uncle, for Ben's daughter and for his fiance.  I have been broken up about it all day.  Sometimes I guess I don't understand how all of these horrific things can happen and what is the purpose of it all?  I find myself feeling angry and bitter over it all.  Whenever something good happens people can't wait to say "Praise the Lord!" and then when something tragic and horrific happens they say "I will pray for you."  As bad as it may sound, it kind of leaves me feeling lost with regard to my own faith.  How can these things happen and what could the purpose possibly be?  How can a 20 year old kid and his soon to be Mother-in-law be taken, through no fault of their own, because one person was impatient and tried to pass without looking? How can a Mother of 3 die of cancer at the age of 37?  How can 2 people who love with their whole hearts have a baby with only half a heart? How can a 3 year old suffocate on casts in her lungs?   How can these tragic and horrendous things happen to such good people?  These thoughts leave me feeling lost of my faith and of my happiness in general.  My only hope is that with  time I will be feeling my optimistic happy, faithful self again.

And, finally, in the the spirit of happiness, I received some good news today.  Carla's lab work has come back and her BNP (density of the heart) has come back at 89.  Anything under 100 is considered "normal".  Carla has never had a "normal" BNP, and if I remember correctly it was around 3600 after transplant.  So, this is something that I am feeling very happy and grateful for. Also, her donor specific antibodies were tested in December and they all came back negative. Which is a very positive sign.

I am convinced that life will get easier.  The months will pass and with every passing day I will feel more like myself.  Please pray for that.

Thank you!

Love, Jen

1 comment:

Frontier Mom said...

I'm so sorry, Jen, such a tragic loss.

And I completely agree with you - the losses I've witnessed and felt over the last few years have really shaken my faith. I just can't understand why God would allow such beautiful/small/innocent/young people to suffer and die. And my heart is broken for those left behind. Your cousin's fiancée for instance....she has so many difficult days ahead of her...and why should she have to suffer so?

I've taken a step back from Make A Wish for just these reasons....and God and I aren't on speaking terms any longer (which I know sounds arrogant but I don't feel like I have much to say that doesn't come from a place of anger!).

So, if you find some magic healing, I'd love some tips on how to find some myself! :)

I'll be keeping you and your family in my heart these next few difficult weeks - I'll wiggle a spot right next to Carla. <3

~Cynthia Byers-Schield