A look into myself...

I've been having a hard time blogging because I just haven't felt inspired in any way.  I guess maybe this waiting for a heart thing is getting me down.  It is so hard to be stuck in a life of limbo, with no choices that are ours, and having to rely on others to take care of our affairs at home.  I guess I don't like to ask for help, and having to rely on other people has never been a strong suit of mine.  I would just rather do everything myself.  I'm sure not relying on anyone is a defense mechanism I developed years ago (or maybe I was born with it, I don't know) because if I don't count on anyone, no one has the power to let me down.    

Sometimes I think all this waiting and losing control of my life is all part of MY lesson or journey in all of this.  Because, I do not like to relinquish control, not even to my own emotions.  I have always thought that crying, or losing control of my emotions, was a sign of weakness.  After my Mom died there were a small few who saw me cry.  And during even the worst times of my life I made sure to not lose control of my emotions in front of anyone.  That having been said, since having Carla I no longer seem to have any control of my own emotions.  Sometimes I just cry for no real reason at all.  I get angry, and I am impatient when I would have previously had patience that was a mile long.  So, I don't know if I am failing this lesson, because I am turning into what I would consider to be lesser of a person that I once was, or if letting myself lose control and feel my emotions is an important part of what I needed to learn and go through.  Maybe someday I will get that all figured out.  But for now, I seem to be frustrated.  

In other news, my step-brother,  Bill and his wife, Tristan, came for a visit the other day.  We went out, ate pizza and had a lot of laughs.  Carla enjoyed herself immensely!  After dinner Carla and Mario got married.  She loves Mario SO much!  In two weeks Bobby's folks and brother will come for a long weekend visit and the week after that my Dad & Sue will be here to visit as well.  I would like to make it home to help Cody get settled in his MSU dorm at the end of August, but I'm not positive I will be able to work that out.  We shall see.  My birthday is in 3 weeks and in about 9 weeks I will have out lived my Mother.  Pretty weird thought. 

Anyway, Carla is chomping at the bit to have me play Wii with her, so I have to run!  Take care and God Bless! 

Love, Jen

Carla in her new shades from Tristan's grandparents, Betty & Jerry.

The sunglasses are actually for this piggy bank, but they look cute on Carla too! Thank you Betty & Jerry!

A book and stuffed animal from Bill & Tristan. 

Bill, Tristan & Carla, being cute together. 

Carla, getting ready to marry Mario.

She is a beautiful blushing bride!

We had quite a good laugh over all of this :) 


The Simmons Family said...

I love the honesty. I think I finally convinced Stanford that we can wait in Phoenix for his heart. He should be listed in a couple weeks. Maybe plead with the Seattle team and see if you can work out a "deal". The whole process has my stomach in knots constantly. You and Carla are handling things beautifully! Hugs from az.

Wright Family said...

Thanks Andrea... Sometimes it is hard to share personal feelings, especially when I don't want my family worrying about me. I am so happy for you that you can wait in Phoenix! Being a family torn by transplant is a bummer! Because of Montana's nasty winters, we could easily miss a heart due to weather. So, we have to stay here. But, we are making it work. And, it will all be worth the wait. Heart Hugs!


Amy Rogers said...

I love you cousin and I love how so many people can relate to you. We haven't been thru the same circumstances, but we've all struggled in some way and by being there for each other we are strengthened because of it. I know what it's like to almost lose a child and I really believe that the trials we go thru do make us stronger and softer at the same time. I think it's ok to cry more. I sure do!!! I think feeling more connected to the people in our lives makes us more sensitive. That makes us better people, serving a purpose to those around us. We all want someone who can feel and try to understand what we're going thru. You have a great way of lifting others around you. Especially me!! You are incredibly strong!! Don't doubt that because of some tears! That only shows what an awesome warrior you are!!! You can still fight without all the armor hanging on. :)